Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
