I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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