please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
