How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
