I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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