You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sex in a hospital.. check
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
