Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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