i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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