Moan for me like Helen Keller
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
be right there i have to get my cape
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
