I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
