I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
