So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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