Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
