Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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