I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
