You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
