I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
