he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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