So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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