Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
