I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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