No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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