this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
