Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
