so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
