genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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