I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
