can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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