they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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