Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
