There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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