Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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