Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
its liver damage thursday
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
