Soap is not a condiment
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
