The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
