Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
