How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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