I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
