apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
