meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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