Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
