after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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