so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
