If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
The ass gains better be worth it
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