I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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