You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
