I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
