dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Even my vagina gasped.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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