The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i've created a new STD.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
