I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
