I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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